Marriage and Partnership Living With Aspergers

Marriage and Partnership Living With Aspergers               087 387 6841

Living in the same space as anyone else has its challenges regardless if you are Neurotypical (NT) or Neurodiverse (ND)  lego-wedding

Sometimes it may feel like the ND partner is in the minority and is being constantly asked or made to conform to a majority way of life. They may feel like the one who has to make all or most of the changes. The marriage or partnership can then feel like a constant battle to keep your ways and habits and even sanity in the face of people who want to change you.

However there is another way to see this.  Explained in a most excellent way from a female Asperger perspective

*** The day I explained to my husband about my Asperger’s, one of the first things he said was, “I love you exactly the way you are.” I treasure that and I know it’s not something he said just to make me feel better. He means it. But I also know that I’m hard to live with. I find myself hard to live with at times. So when I say I want to improve my level of functioning, it’s because I want to struggle less on a daily basis and because I want the people around me–the people I love–to struggle less. It has nothing to do with conforming to the expectations of an NT world and everything to do with making life less stressful and more enjoyable for myself and my family ***

The difference with NT thinking and ND thinking is that the NT is more likely to change something that doesn’t work because they don’t mind change in the same way and ND thinker does.

The points made are really the crux of the matter for any union.  Rather than keeping old strategies and habits that don’t work just for the sake of avoiding change is not logical and not a good enough reason to continue being miserable just on principal.

Often your ND partner will be trying to do the right thing but just doesn’t know what that is sometimes. They may cotton on to an idea and then do it and be surprised why it is being met with hostility when their intention was to make things better.

For example take the ND husband who comes home from his job where he has to conform to a lot of NT thinking and NT orientated work practices that stress him out.  He is looking forward to getting to his safe home, safe space where things are more familiar and comfortable. He comes home goes upstairs to put his feet up oblivious of the wife with screaming kids who was looking forward to him coming back to give her a break from her stressful day.  Seeing her husband waltz in and go for a shower or up to lay down and unwind sends her off on a rampage and screaming match about how uncaring he is.  The husband is goal orientated he has an objective and a plan and regardless of what comes in the way he will just carry on until he does it.

 Cutting some slack – Marriage and Partnership Living with Aspergers

He is not being nasty or uncaring he is firstly continuing on his thought process which, if interrupted, will stress him out much further and secondly is self-preserving. In such a situation the last thing that will be effective is a screaming match or criticism. Such an approach will just reduce you to an annoying noise to be avoided or blanked out.  Key point here is learn to pick your moment so that what you have to say can be heard and considered.

There is miscommunication and misunderstanding here.  Both people in this scenario will feel perfectly justified in the stance they are taking. However for both they are not in a reasonable frame of mind.

We are often being told that the neurodiverse find it hard to see the world from an NT perspective but in my experience of over 30 years of working with Autism I would say that neurotypical people rarely consider what it might be like to experience the world from a neurodiverse perspective.

Aspergers being part of the Autism continuum is a communication disorder but do we ever really stop to consider how we are missing and misinterpreting the messages we get from our Neurodiverse loves ones?

Caroline Goldsmith is a Psychologist with over 30 years experience in the Autism field and is happy to hear from you at any time regarding relationship resolution, intervention or assessment   087 387 6841

Autism Waiting Lists Minister May Meet Families


Autism Waiting Lists – Minister May Meet Families  

10th November 2016


Independent Alliance junior Minister considering meeting Laois Offaly Families for Autism   

Call us for an assessment 087 387 6841

Independent Alliance junior Minister Finian McGrath is considering a request to meet the campaign group for children with Autism in Laois and Offaly.

The Minister of State was asked by Offaly TD Carol Nolan about the waiting times for both appointments and assessments in the early intervention and school age psychology services in counties Laois and Offaly.

Autism Waiting Lists Minister May Meet Families

“I understand that a request for a meeting has been received from the Laois Offaly Families for Autism (LOFFA) group by my office and it is under active consideration,” said a written reply given by the Minister in recent weeks.

Less promising replies of action were given to the Sinn Féin TD to questions tabled to the Minister for Health Simon Harris.

She asked what waiting times for both appointments and assessments in the early intervention and school age psychology services in counties Laois and Offaly. Minister of State Helen McEntee replied saying sent the question the HSE for direct reply.

Dep Nolan also tabled a question to Minister Harris asking for the number of psychologists working in the Laois early intervention team and school age team. Again Minister McEntee said this is a service issue, this question has been referred to the HSE for direct reply.

Deputy Sean Fleming got a longer but reply when he asked a related question of Minister for Health in recent weeks. He asked what the action that will be taken to reduce waiting times for children needing occupational therapy in counties Laois and Offaly.

Minister Harris talked generally about  the commitment in the Programme for a Partnership Government  and HSE National Therapy Service Review Group intention to address waiting lists in Occupational Therapy.

But because Deputy Fleming’s question related to occupational therapy services in Laois and Offaly he referred it to the HSE for direct reply.

 Autism Waiting Lists Minister May Meet Families – Call us for an assessment 087 387 6841